Updated July 11, 2006
Does this look like someone you know?
No. 1 reason not to get drunk.
A guy goes in an adult store & asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter asks, "Male or Female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or White"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christain or Muslim?'
Customer says, "What the hell differnce does religion have to do with it?"
The counter guy says, The Muslim doll blows itself up."
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for
water, was plodding through the
The Arab asked, "My thirst is
killing me. Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have
no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with
your robes."
The Arab shouted, "You idiot! I
do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK," said the old Jew,
"it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie.
I will show you that you have not
offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The
restaurant has all the water you need!"
The Arab staggered away toward the
hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours
later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles
over that hill. Could you not find it?
"I found it all right,"
rasped the Arab. "But your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Texas cracks down
...
Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys
370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license
may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport
(non-commercial) purposes.
370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use
of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
370.03 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for rabies, and vermin.
370.04 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If
an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney
should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed
immediately to the nearest car wash.
370.05 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power
boat, helicopter or aircraft.
370.06 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH",
"AMBULANCE", or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW,
Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
370.08 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms,
law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
370.09 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to
have
a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
370.10 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter,
drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie,
physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.
370.11 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.
Honest attorneys, PROTECTED ( See, Endangered Species Act).
How Blonde
Was She???
She was
Soooooooo Blonde .
*
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
*
She thought General Motors was in the army.
*
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
*
At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote
"Sagittarius."
She Was
Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
*
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
*
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On
Phonics."
She was
Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
*
She tripped over a cordless phone.
*
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
*
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
*
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was
Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
*
She studied for a blood test.
*
She sold the car for gas money.
*
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
*
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she
turned around and went home.
She Was
Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
*
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
*
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
*
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In
Front."
AND MY
PERSONAL FAVORITE:
She is
sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks
Taco
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took
a drink.
H e proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found
the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
< ?bigger>2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of
him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big
T."
11)When Jesus broke th e bread at the last supper he
said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat
me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the
Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
>
>
A half-gallon of 2% milk
>
>
A carton of eggs
>
>
A quart of orange juice
>
>
A head of romaine lettuce
>
>
A 2 lb. can of coffee
>
>
A 1 lb. package of bacon
>
> As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing
behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was
ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The
woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's
intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw
nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.
>
> Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what? You're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
>
> The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
>
How to say I love you in 25 languages!
English
I
Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'aime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
parts of
"Nice ass, get on the bike."
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman,
Montana, while awaiting their respective flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show
and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn
that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy
lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and
tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing
tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one
time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were
few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness
beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . .
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
but I do believe it's a-comin'."
IN A BIKERS BAR
A drunk man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three leather-clad bikers sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the eye and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today.
I saw her buck naked in the hall.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
"I got it on with your grandma. She's good, the best I ever had!"
His buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else boy... your grandma liked it... alot!"
The biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says
"Grandpa, Go home, you're drunk!"